Where did you go???

Never Alone ~ Barlow Girl
I waited for you today
But You didn't show
No.No.No.
I needed You today
So where did you go?
You told me to call
you said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

Chorus
I cried out with no reply and
I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone.

And though I can not see You
and I can't explain why.
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life oh
We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
and though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

Chorus
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

We cannot separate
You're part of me
and though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

Chorus
I cried out with no reply
and I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone




I choose this song to write about because it had some truth to it for me. I guess this is a song about god. And how even though he's invisible that he's there. And that she can feel him there even though you cant see him. Which i guess that is kind of the truth in this song. But my main problem is i know he's invisible and i know that i can't feel him even if he is there. I do not know what i think about God and i do not know if right know is the best time for God in my life. People always say that God Loves you but why would God love me? Why would any one love me? I guess thats a big stumper. I had a talk with my friend sonya a while ago and we were talking about how we all have to find God on our own trims and maybe just maybe I'm not ready for God. I believe God is real (i think). But i have been hurt a-lot that it is hard to trust anyone and yea that means God. I do not know if love really is out there for me at least. I know there is all different kinds of love. Like mother, daughter love. I look at Sonya and Maia and i see true love that will last forever. ANd that is a love that will be unbroken even through death. That love is amazing and something every girl wishes for. And there's love like...... I really honestly don't know the best way to put it... Like head over heals over some girl/guy. Down in my heart I do not care how horrible person you were or are. I think everyone deserive love like that. I see it in certain peoples eyes and i think thats amazing. And then i look at my self and look at how I loved some one so much just talking to him rips out my heart. You would think begining in other state would help that but doesn't. I loved him with my heart but all i got back was a heart in a million pieces and i do not think he did it on purpise but then agian I am all ways wrong. To be honest my biggest fear is that i will be alone and i know thats really a stupid fear. I'm 16 why would it matter i have my whole life ahead of me. Well honestly it still scares me. Yea i know being with someone just because you are lonely isn't right and I'm not going to do that. I guess i just wish for once i want to be in love with someone who loves me back .... the same or more then i  love them.. i guess it has to wait.


{UgLy}PrInCeSs Signing out:/

ANGER

Im angry at the world. Im angry at god. If god loves us like people say then when did he make us move away from my family and friends... if loved me he would have protected when i was .... if god loved me he would have protected me from David... he would have saved me from pain... but i never see him and never will... he made all this stuff happen to.. how am i suppose to believe he cares when he lets that happen.. I ANGRY WITH HIM.... I moved away from my friends and they were part of me and they were there for me an know im a 1000 miles away from them in a new place and no one to tell me im okay no one to promise me that everything will be okay....Im in a new home with people who dont give a shit if i died or lived IM ANGRY WITH GOD FOR DOING THIS...I never wanted to be in Tennessee :'(

IM NOT OKAY!!!!

All the time my friends ask me if i am okay or they ask how are you? if you knew me you would understand that i wont tell you i am hurt or that im sad or im mad i will lie and say i am happy or that im good and then change the subject to say i miss them or something.... but im getting tried of lying to my friends im tried of saying im okay when im not.....but what can i do.....so i tell them on facebook that im not and the people who cared once and then stoped and when they see something that im not okay they act like they care and that kind-of makes me angry...

But im not okay i never have been i dont know what im not happy i have a good life and i have my happy days but why am i never truely happy....

So basically what this post is saying "IM NOT OKAY" and if i say i am most likely i am lying to you 

A New Life

I bet that a bunch of people at least once have thought about starting over. Having a chance to have a new life. Just to start over to have better luck. Like stuff like that. But with what has happened to me this year and moving Tennessee. I would say i wonted move. But that is my opinion now. Ya, you get more friends and a new chance to be a better you i would say. But its not as easy.
When you live were you grew up in you know how the people work. You know who the good people are and the nice ones and the people you do not ever want to be friends with. But starting over in a new place you do not know the people. Who do not know who is the person who's going to the girl you look up to or the person you can learn to call friend. Like this girl in my spanish class. When you look at her you think she would be a nice person. But i guess there right you can't judge a book by its cover. Because i was wrong she wasn't nice. She talks about you when you are standing right there. And that is not a good person.
But then you meet the people like Becky, Kristen, and Erin. There really nice from the start. WHen you talk to them they act like the care about what your saying and thats what you want in a friendship. They don't pretend that they care they truly care. Kristen came up to me on my first day of school and ask me if i had anywhere to sit at lunch, and then offered for me to sit with her and thats really nice. I was lucky to have found some one like her. But sometimes your not to lucky. You will always have your friends back home and that will never change.  Your not losing the friends you left behind. There's just a bigger distance then there was before. When I moved to Tennessee I thought i was losing them. I have a couple friends that i have lost through this move. But i have this fear that i will loss my friends. That is problely  one of my major problems for me. I use to trust people to easy and know it is hard to trust people. ANd that's the hardest thing to help you make friends. Trusting people was always a little tough for me but when I thought i knew someone and i trusted them but when i did they tended to brake that trust. So it made it harder to trust others.  Kristen is a good person and i trust her but I am always scared to tell people the way i run. And what i mean by that is I don't think i could tell some one all the thing that has happened to me. That has turned me to who i am today and some of the stuff is to strong i guess you could say. To tell a new friend about. Some day i will tell you what all happened that maybe me who i am. Its not like any one reads this anyways so it's easier to think that its easier to write this.
I started having problem trusting people when i was around 7 or 8 and after that it got easier until i started middle school. I started having thoughts about death and how it would feel and what would happen. But that didn't last long, it didn't start up again until i hit the 8th grade and thats when i really started thinking about. Until sophomore year i never acted on those actions. I only cut just to see how it felt. Later on when i found out i was moving i thought that when i moved that the thoughts would decrease. But that is another thing i got wrong, it didn't decrease it got worse. I just have thoughts i haven't turned those thoughts into actions and I am not planning on that yet.
David thought i had depression and maybe he was right. But what would i know. I don't want to talk to my friends about this or they will freak out and it's not easy to sit them down and tell them. ANd telling my parents is out of the question i don't know what they would say or do. Most likely go to church more offion and which isn't going to help me well not now it wont.  I don't know what to do..or who to talk to... I guess talking to a world of then unknown is easier right know.
But I wish i had someone who had went through the same thing to talk to about it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? WHY AM I LIKE THIS??? WHY CAN'T I CHANGE???? WHAT WILL HAPPEN??? I don't think I am scared but i could be wrong... I am wrong about alot of things.
This is a hard topic for me but i know it is a topic  will never be far from it. wow this has changed from where i wanted it to go. But once my mind is on a topic it will always go back to that topic. :(

{UgLy}PrINcEsS

The Dark of The Night

Your under the Artificial light
you hear the noise around you 
The Dead of the night is pain 
to your ears
The night is all around you 
The Darkness feels like its caving in 
you sit alone in the cold
You try to write down your thoughts 
you see a blank piece of paper
The words are blocked 
you cant write the pain you feel 
The cold culottes yours hands 
your hands are frozen 
you can not write anything 
even if you had something to write about 
you decide its time to start walking 
maybe it will keep you warm 
But it doesn't help you get more 
cold with each step
Your walking trying to find your way
your getting lost 
the one thing bad about being lost
is that you will never be found 

A Person I Once Thought I Knew and Love

Brandon Dahl and I have been friends for a while and sometimes more then friends. I am my self with him more then i am with anyone but that is only because i trust him. But my problem is that it is sometimes a confusing relationship. When minute we are friends and then boyfriend and girlfriend and then i do not hear from him for a couple months and it starts all over again. Its like a emotional roller coaster. And there are days that i just want to jump of and run. But he's a;;ways there and when i think i am over again he calls again. I do not know what to do sometimes. Sometimes i ask my self "am i settling for Brandon?" and i can not answer that question. And i want to. Do i think that i can only deserve Brandon? Do i think i can not do any better? There is a bunch of questions i can ask about this but i do not have those answers and i do not think any body knows the answer to that.
I love Brandon with all my heart and i do not think that will ever change. But can i do better? Brandon knows who i am as a person but sometimes i think he doesn't know anything. I know everything about him. Im just lost and confused on why he was put in my life.
 "Everything happens for a reason"~ Kung Fu Panda  
Maybe i wont know the answer now but i hope that i start to know the reason soon. Because this is something that has been on my heart for a while. 

Blogging Isn't Easy

Im a little knew at this hole posting stuff on my blog. Im not use to writing and having people read it. But I'm not doing this for your benefit. I need to talk to some one but its hard for me to open my self up to some one. After when i finally did i get stabbed in the back or some what. The best way to help me with pain is to turn my music all the way up and just sit down and write what's on my mind. And what i found out is that it happens a lot that there is a lot on my mind. I can not just write a little bit. sometimes in ends up to being a hole 10 pages. I do not really  think some one will sit there and read all thats on my mind. But sometimes its nice to know that some one out in this big and sometimes lonely world. Some is caring enough to take there time and read what i write and that is maybe worth writing for. I do not promise that what i write on these pages will make any sense at all but it will makes sense in my head. And thats all that counts. Blogging about life is easy. But blogging about your feelings and telling the world how you feel is harder then you think. It is easier to go in front of a group of kids and tell them a stupid un-funny joke. Well in my opinion anyways. Writing theses blogs will be hard at first I think but the more i write the easier it will become. Well hopefully :)

To David Wolff:

THE EMPTINESS:
It's Dark 
It feels like it's closing around me
I see a light in the distance
I try to get to this light
I run towards this light
But i can never get close to the light
Then, there is a wall 
in-front of me 
I can not give up on reaching the light
I try to knock the wall over
Its to thick
I try to climb over the wall
But the wall is to high
I see the light Fading in the distance
My strength is fading as well
It looks like a dyeing sun
The light dies
The light that i wanted to reach DIES
I can not hold on much longer. 
The darkness is back and it is 
Stronger
I am weak now, I cant move
I lean against the wall
and wrap my arms around my self
and cry
That gave me hope and love
Now i have lost all of those
I do not know what to do now
I am lost and confused again
All my hope and love is gone now
and is as black as this darkness
I can not even see what's a head of me
All i can do is stare into the EMPTINESS