I bet that a bunch of people at least once have thought about starting over. Having a chance to have a new life. Just to start over to have better luck. Like stuff like that. But with what has happened to me this year and moving Tennessee. I would say i wonted move. But that is my opinion now. Ya, you get more friends and a new chance to be a better you i would say. But its not as easy.
When you live were you grew up in you know how the people work. You know who the good people are and the nice ones and the people you do not ever want to be friends with. But starting over in a new place you do not know the people. Who do not know who is the person who's going to the girl you look up to or the person you can learn to call friend. Like this girl in my spanish class. When you look at her you think she would be a nice person. But i guess there right you can't judge a book by its cover. Because i was wrong she wasn't nice. She talks about you when you are standing right there. And that is not a good person.
But then you meet the people like Becky, Kristen, and Erin. There really nice from the start. WHen you talk to them they act like the care about what your saying and thats what you want in a friendship. They don't pretend that they care they truly care. Kristen came up to me on my first day of school and ask me if i had anywhere to sit at lunch, and then offered for me to sit with her and thats really nice. I was lucky to have found some one like her. But sometimes your not to lucky. You will always have your friends back home and that will never change. Your not losing the friends you left behind. There's just a bigger distance then there was before. When I moved to Tennessee I thought i was losing them. I have a couple friends that i have lost through this move. But i have this fear that i will loss my friends. That is problely one of my major problems for me. I use to trust people to easy and know it is hard to trust people. ANd that's the hardest thing to help you make friends. Trusting people was always a little tough for me but when I thought i knew someone and i trusted them but when i did they tended to brake that trust. So it made it harder to trust others. Kristen is a good person and i trust her but I am always scared to tell people the way i run. And what i mean by that is I don't think i could tell some one all the thing that has happened to me. That has turned me to who i am today and some of the stuff is to strong i guess you could say. To tell a new friend about. Some day i will tell you what all happened that maybe me who i am. Its not like any one reads this anyways so it's easier to think that its easier to write this.
I started having problem trusting people when i was around 7 or 8 and after that it got easier until i started middle school. I started having thoughts about death and how it would feel and what would happen. But that didn't last long, it didn't start up again until i hit the 8th grade and thats when i really started thinking about. Until sophomore year i never acted on those actions. I only cut just to see how it felt. Later on when i found out i was moving i thought that when i moved that the thoughts would decrease. But that is another thing i got wrong, it didn't decrease it got worse. I just have thoughts i haven't turned those thoughts into actions and I am not planning on that yet.
David thought i had depression and maybe he was right. But what would i know. I don't want to talk to my friends about this or they will freak out and it's not easy to sit them down and tell them. ANd telling my parents is out of the question i don't know what they would say or do. Most likely go to church more offion and which isn't going to help me well not now it wont. I don't know what to do..or who to talk to... I guess talking to a world of then unknown is easier right know.
But I wish i had someone who had went through the same thing to talk to about it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? WHY AM I LIKE THIS??? WHY CAN'T I CHANGE???? WHAT WILL HAPPEN??? I don't think I am scared but i could be wrong... I am wrong about alot of things.
This is a hard topic for me but i know it is a topic will never be far from it. wow this has changed from where i wanted it to go. But once my mind is on a topic it will always go back to that topic. :(
{UgLy}PrINcEsS
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